Now I’m here in Scotland, but packed deep in my bag is my collapsible kettle so I can have my coffee every morning. I be one who likes my jug of coffee in the morning, and when I say jug I mean jug not mug, and then life’s good and pleasant what? I tell you it’s good and pleasant till you go visiting them folks who read too much into research.

“What would you like in the morning Bob?”

“Coffee!” I say, surprised like, thinking what else can one have early morning but the good ole cup that cheers, “And lots of it,” I say all enthusiastic like, “Lots of coffee, maybe if you have a jug?” And then I look at the stone face staring back.

“What?” I ask, “No jug?”

“No coffee!”

“You run out of coffee?” I ask pleasant like.

“Coffee isn’t good for health, it says so in today’s paper!”

And they go into bedroom while I curse the paper and the editor and all those research fellows who instead of doing some good research on cancer and diabetes and all them diseases that kill people, spoil the lives of us healthy, happy guys by saying, “Hey chaps we haven’t found a cure for cancer!”

“Yeah, we haven’t found any for diabetes!”

“So what do we tell the world?”

“Tell them coffee is bad!”

Ye gads, don’t those research fellows behind them microscopes have any other work than finishing off us good people who are not harming them?

“Okay,” I say as they come back with the paper, “I’ll settle for a coke!”

“It’s bad for your teeth!”

“It’s okay!” I say, all growling inside, “My teeth have served me well, they can’t get worse!”

“No coke, you can’t go home with bad teeth!”

“You read it in the paper’s right?” I ask wearily.

“No, it came on the internet yesterday!”

I pack my bags and they look at me, sad like, “Why are you leaving Bob? Are you unhappy here?”

“No,” I say pleasant like though I be screaming inside, “I’m going back to where them newspapers don’t stop me enjoying the good things in life, like me coffee, tea and coke!”

And then I went back home to my jug of coffee and dreaming of my eleven o'clock tea and afternoon coke I down between my lunch, till the wife she came up with the newspaper, “Bob did you see…”

“No,” I shout, snatching paper and throwing it away, “No, no, and no!”

“Bob,” she says patiently, “It’s not about your coffee, they’re finding a cure for diabetes and cancer!”

“Ah!” I whisper sheepish like, “Now that those research chaps have got back to work on what’s important, they’ll leave me coffee alone!”

But here I am in Scotland and not leaving things to chance; yes, I’ve carried my collapsible kettle along..!

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