By Dr. Deepti Kathpalia

"Never take a person's dignity, it is worth everything to them and probably nothing to you". We as humans are very ill equipped to recognise, Identify and respond to abusive friendships. There exists no definite way to begin, maintain or end an abusive friendship. There is so much focus that rests on romantic relationships which turn abusive or violent but little or none towards platonic friendships, unfortunately.

This gross misuse of power against friends does occur more often than imagined and in similar ways as in other relationships. In my experience some of the most appalling, scary and vicious abuse cases I have come across have happened between friends.

Quite often than not, the survivor does not realise, for very late in the friendship that what is happening to her/him is actually abuse, as he or she has never thought of friendships being toxic and hurting.

When you begin to sense that someone you thought of as a friend, no longer and never really had your best interests in mind, it is pertinent that you pull the plug without any guilt as it is not an act of selfishness but will stem from self love which is much needed at that time.

We have all grown up with this belief that all friendships are healthy and fun, but that always is not the case. This abuse between friends can be very devastating, emotionally draining and extremely damaging both physically, physiologically and mentally.

Abuse between friends is mostly insidious and Machiavellian, leaving the person broken and shaky for a long time. Most often, it is assumed that if there is no physical violence involved then it does not qualify as abuse, but nothing can be more misleading than this assumption.

The negative effects of abusive friendships are many and major.

SIGNS TO NOTICE FOR AN ABUSIVE FRIEND :-

# They want to own you and start treating you like their property, become abnormally possessive and controlling.

# Spending time with them becomes emotionally and physically exhausting. Such friends are impossible to please, they are very judgemental, critical of your every move, your choices, thoughts and habits. A common trait they regularly manifest is that they will castigate you for almost everything. They love to snoop around your things and do not respect your privacy and need for boundaries.

It is like walking on eggshells when around them as they will call you names, hurl accusations at you and will threaten and give orders.

# They will not value you as a person and deny you any personal space as I have mentioned earlier also. They invariably behave obnoxious, arrogant and entitled most of the time.

They are very caustic with their remarks and statements and cleverly mock and ridicule you all the way and manage to diminish and beat a person's self esteem to such an extent that the impacts of this are seen in the long term too.

#One begins to feel hostage and under this friend's control. The feeling of defeat is profound and the victim feels less empowered to break free and surface from the abuse.

# They continuously gas light you into believing that you are a Bad friend if you do not give into their demands. There is an uneven dynamic in the relationship which is absolutely toxic.

# They are passive aggressive.

# Their approach to abuse is very subtle

..blaming you for everything that goes wrong.

..belittling your accomplishments and achievements.

..glorifying themselves while making you look stupid and incompetent.

..they make exploitative and outrightly abusive statements.

.. They talk behind your back and also about you to others in your presence, invariably in the garb of humour.

..Constantly emphasize about your so called incapabilities, will keep reminding how privileged your life has been and how their's has been a struggle. How they have it had very rough and you have been presented with things on a platter so you have no right to complain etc...

# Your achievements and possessions make them bitter and angry which makes them lash at you in some form or the other.

# You continuously feel choked and suffocated and live under constant fear.

# If you show your displeasure or voice your concerns they run you further down by complaining about your lack of humour and your being too sensitive and touchy.

# You are forced to shoulder their responsibility and everything in this friendship is non negotiable.

# They ostracise you at their will and come back the next minute claiming to be family.

# You are left exhausted, scared, tired and anxious.

# They hurl clever abuses at the way you have been parented.

# You live on the edge and worry constantly.

PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGES

- Depression

- Sleep Disorders

- Indigestion (psychosomatic)

- Eating Disorders

- Fear of Abandonment

- Poor self Esteem

- Trust Deficit

- Inability to take Compliments

-A state of Emotional Vaccum.

 WHAT CAN ONE DO

Yes!! It is difficult to end relationships but it is much needed before it causes further damage. Seek emotional help at the earliest and a safe place to embark on that journey is through family.

Taking help of a counsellor, a mental health professional will immediately help shift focus and assist in breaking this vicious cycle of abuse. Regular sessions over the next few months do a lot of repairing and healing.

End this friendship immediately, walk away, cut off all contacts, no need for any dialogue or conversation as you do not owe any to anyone, least of all to this so called friend.

Here it is important to understand that you are doing this out of self love and respect for your own self so without any hesitancy pull the plug.

"Don't ever let your life be blighted by any abuse at all"

Dr. (Hon) Deepti Kathpalia

Psychologist, Therapist , Counsellor.

BY YOGI ASHWINI

Na karmanaamanaarambhaannaishkarm yam purushoo-ashnute| Na cha sannyasanaadeva siddhim samadhigachchhati|| Bhagwad Gita, Chapter 3, Verse 4||

Neither does a man become free of karmas, without having stepped into the cycle of karma, nor does he attain ultimate bliss and merger merely by giving up on karma, says Krishna.

Often people mistake spirituality for escapism. It is not. Gita holds karma (action) as pradhan (supreme). The body made of the three gunas is designed to perform karmas; it cannot remain inactive even for a nanosecond. Lord Krishna and Lord Raama, when they took the body, performed karmas even though they were gods. It is foolish to think that one can escape karma. The one, who outwardly restrains from senses and actions but dwells upon on them in the mind, is a ‘mithyaachaari’ (hypocrite) as per Gita, because karma is what you do and also what you think. 

Suppressing desires or running away from them is not the solution, rising to the extent that they stop having an effect on you and you control them (not vice versa) is yog, and for this one needs to engage in the senses and actions, not for self, but for creation. The one who performs his duty towards creation, without attachment, rises over karma and achieves finality. The one who engages in living for self or in a life of inaction, wastes his life and birth.

Whatever the leaders and role models of the time do, whatever standards they set, the masses follow the suit, explains Gita. Krishna directs the wise to act with detachment for general good the same way as the unwise act with attachment of self-gratification. That is what Krishna did, as did Rama, and have the yogis and rishis through time immemorial.

In present times, in the heyday of negativity, where cows are slaughtered, dogs are pelted, monkeys are executed, humans are hungry, pollution is at its peak and certain so-called gurus are filling their coffers by promising fulfillment of desires to the masses (much in contrast to Gita), it becomes all the more important for the wise to act. It is upon the gurus and role models of present times to lead by example, by acting to save the animals, humans and creation at large and steering the masses on the same path.  Gita calls upon the gurus and yogis to not dissuade the men from action or unsettle their mind which is engaged in the senses, but to rather channelize their actions for the benefit of creation, so they may evolve and end their pain and suffering.

Yogi Ashwini is the Guiding Light of Dhyan Ashram. He can be reached at www.dhyanfoundation.com

By Dr Deepti Kathpalia

The simple act of penning down thoughts connected, disconnected, immediately begins to alleviate one’s feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness or gloom and starts creating a space in an overcrowded mind.

I presently work as a therapist, coach and a counsellor and I have personally practised, experienced and seen the effect journaling has had on me.

For the last seven years, since my mother passed on painfully due to cancer, a time where I struggled with depression, anxiety, profound worry and fatigue, where I found myself alone not because I didn’t have any family but because I became inadept at expressing and talking to people around, I struggled with so much anger at the way things were shaping up, the apathy of the doctors and the struggle with money for my mother’s treatment and so much more. I didn’t have the courage or the strength for a dialogue, I feared judgement, I feared conflict, I was prejudiced and felt that no one really cared so they wouldn’t understand. I quite accidently began to scribble on a torn piece of paper while waiting outside the ICU and then forgot about it but that very night I felt the urge to do it again and again and again. Much to my surprise I began to feel an undefined comfort and solace every time I wrote down what was going on in my head. I did not realise but my pen and notepad became my friends and remain till date.

This one habit has held me in good stead since then and in more ways than one has been instrumental in my growth as a person. Journaling has empowered me with courage I never knew I had, I slowly began to open my world to people around me, many I knew and quite a few that I didn’t. I had always been a guarded individual till then and never allowed any person a peep into my world. I myself was surprised that my guards had come crashing down, I began to surface as a calmer, happier and more authentic person. There is an innocence and honesty that reaches across people and in turn has continued to heal me from within.

I am, today, more forthcoming, more confident and fearless. It no longer bothers me as to how I am being perceived by people around me, my internal connects and conversations with self are productive and have grown, they are more honest as well as intense. Journaling gave me the power to not succumb to fear and negativity.

It would be incorrect to suggest that I do not have my low days or that I do not feel sad, angry or hurt, I do but I now have the most effective tool to help myself heal and bounce back soon, sometimes in a matter of minutes too.

As a counsellor and a therapist, I have sensed this unique ability of empathy which I have further developed when I interact with clients and family and friends.

Journaling had given me a wider vision and has made me more rational and a more peaceful person.

These last few years have been transformative and reformative both. I was so caught up in a warp of my own messy thoughts and limiting stories as would be the case with quite a few of us.

It has been an instrumental tool in my interactions with my clients and to my surprise I have found our therapeutic connect getting deeper and more meaningful.

As was the case with a young woman client who I had the pleasure of meeting and knowing. Sangeeta and I met five years ago, a beautiful young woman of about 40 suffering from anxiety and low grade depression, she spoke about not being able to sleep well for the last many years.

In our first two three meetings I noticed that whatever was asked she would reply to that softly and seemed edgy and nervous almost the entire time we were in session. She was obviously unable to verbalise her thoughts and concerns for many reasons I believed but didn’t goad.

I decided to give her a small journaling assignment for our next session in which she was encouraged to time it to only 15 minutes everyday and write her thoughts and feelings that prevailed at that point in time.

In our next meeting, even without my asking she handed over a folder of her assignment to me. I quickly ran through the content and was surprised at the way she had articulated her thoughts and feelings. They conveyed way moe than words did or could and I was happy.

The sessions continued for a while and each time I found Sangeeta surfacing more relaxed and calm. The journaling assignments were a regular in my interventions along with some other techniques, she was told to track her thoughts and feelings from our first meeting and see for herself how the healing was happening.

As a therapist and a change maker,I recommend this form of therapy across all sections of people. It comes with brilliant results. It gives me so much joy when I see clients, friends and family re-examine their stories as well as limiting beliefs that have held them back from experiencing happiness and peace, it is absolutely thrilling to see these lovely people getting ready to explore new ways of being.

To each one of you, start with just five to ten minutes each day thereby discovering the real you, it is cathartic and magical…!!!!

 “Words are but pictures of our thoughts”

Dr Deepti Kathpalia is a Therapist, Counsellor, NLP Master Practitioner. She can be reached by email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

And as the country celebrated with her Republic Day parade on Friday, as Guests of Honour; leaders from Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam, Philippines, Brunei, Laos, Cambodia, Singapore and Myanmar walked the red carpet and watched the impressive military might and cultural floats displayed for them, it was the President of Thailand it is believed who pointed to a movement beneath the red carpet.

“Oh, it’s nothing!” said the Indian leader with the white beard hastily, trying to hide the bulge on the carpet.

“Yes, I can see it!” agreed the Malaysian head, “I can see little children in a school bus being threatened by hooligans!”

“Just look at that beautiful float of Unity in the midst of Diversity!” said white beard trying to get the other leaders from looking too closely at the carpet.

“What’s that?” asked the President of Laos.

“That’s our Rajput soldiers!” said the pleased Indian boss.

“No that!” shouted the same leader from Laos, not interested in the Rajput soldiers but looking closely below at the carpet, “It looks like state governments encouraging rioters to break laws to stop a film being screened!”

“And that!” whispered the leader from Vietnam. “There’s blood from underneath seeping onto the carpet. “It’s the blood of a woman journalist I see dead!”

“Let’s concentrate on the pageants and parade!” said the Indian Prime Minister a tad sharply, “I’ve spent millions putting all this together.

“I can hear the motorbike killers fleeing! Where they caught?” asked the President of Vietnam.

“I don’t know and I don’t care!” said the leader with the white beard, “My parade is more important than all that’s happening beneath the red carpet!”

“Oh my god, there’s a mob lynching a man for eating beef!” screamed the President of the Philippines, stopping and peering hard at the carpet, “Why don’t you stop him sir!”

The Indian leader with the white beard cursed the decorators who had not laid a thicker carpet. The tanks rumbled, the soldiers marched, the fighter planes flew impressively in formation above but the Guests of Honour and slowly the rest of the world only saw communal killings, mob attacks, journalist murders, fake news circulated, all beneath the red carpet.

The man with the white beard growled, turned to the world and pointed to the impressive display he was putting up, “Look!” he screamed, “Look at our might! Look at what I have done!”

“We are looking!” shouted the world, “We are looking and we are shocked! What use your guns, missiles, soldiers and military might when you can’t protect your own people? What use of pretty cultural floats when you can’t protect the women once they step off?”

The tanks rumbled, the military boots echoed, the planes broke the sound barrier, but the world stared with horrified silence at what was happening beneath the red carpet..!

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BY YOGI ASHWINI

Aahaarastvapi sarvasya trividho bhavati priyah | Yagyastapastathaa daanam teshaam shrinu ||Bhagwad Gita, Chapter 17, Verse 7||

In the previous article we discussed the three kinds of food and yagya and their effects on the body. Gita categorises tapa (penance) and charity (daanam) too into three kinds, corresponding to the three gunas of satva, rajas and tamas.

Devotion to Guru, gods, elders and evolved beings, cleanliness, straightforwardness, celibacy and non-violence are the penance of body. Kind words, truthfulness, study of scriptures and chanting of Divine name are the penance of speech. Cheerfulness, placidity, contemplation on Divine, control over senses and purity of intent are the penance of mind.

When the threefold penance of mind, body and speech is performed with utmost devotion without the expectation of anything in return, it is called satvik. The penance that is performed for name, fame, popularity or any material gains, yields an uncertain and temporary fruit and is called rajasik. The penance performed out of foolishness and obstinacy, which harms self and others, is called tamasik. Black magic and dark arts fall in the last category and are a sure shot route to hell.

Interestingly, in the present times, there is only a handful minority that practices the tapa of satva. In such ashrams no fee is charged, the intent of sadhna is purely evolution, the guru shows the sadhaks their shortcomings and puts them on the path to grow out of them. The darshans of devs and devis and experiences of subtler lokas are limited to such schools. Majority of the schools, lure masses with promise of momentary material gains and shower them with compliments with a view of extracting money and favors from them. A temporary happiness is the experienced by the practitioner but the experience of reality evades despite emptying out pockets, tying on to the cycle of progressively painful births.

Just like penance, charity too is of three kinds and has matching effects. The charity performed as a duty, without the expectation of anything in return, at an appropriate time and place to the deserving is called satvik. Charity which is performed with a view of extracting a favour, service or rewards is rajasik and that which is performed with ill-spirit and without regard, out of time and out of place to undeserving persons, is called tamsik.

Charity should be such that the left hand doesn’t know what the right gave. Service to stray and wild animals, teaching the underprivileged and feeding the poor, with detachment, as per guru vakya, are some examples of charity that accelerate ones spiritual journey. Effects of charity within ones kith and kin, or community to earn name, fame, appreciation, good will or services are limited and short-lived.

Yogi Ashwini is the Guiding Light of Dhyan Ashram. He can be reached at www.dhyanfoundation.com