China openly supported Pakistan in the recent Sandoor skirmish, right?
But what do we see now? Our great nation rushing into Beijing’s waiting arms, like a jilted lover trying to reconcile after a breakup. After all, the Americans, with a cold shrug of their capitalist shoulders, have turned away, and who else is left but our good neighbor with the chopsticks?
Now here’s a scenario: The Chinese premier looks across the table at our Prime Minister. “You want my friendship?” he asks, his smile as inscrutable as a fortune cookie. “Then become friends with my friend—Pakistan.”
And so, reluctantly, our PM turns to Islamabad. “Well, alright, let’s be friends.”
“Excellent,” says Pakistan, “but if you want my friendship, then please realise I’m best friends with the United States. And they’re a Christian nation. So, you need to get along with them too.”
Poor PM! Suddenly, he’s caught in a Catch-22. On one hand, he must cozy up to Muslims across the border. On the other, he must shake hands with Christians across the ocean. Domestically, however, the problem is far trickier: how does a party fueled almost entirely by hate now govern without hating Muslims and Christians at home?
What does one do when one’s favorite punching bags must suddenly be treated as honored guests?
I imagine our rulers calling their advisers and saying, “Gentlemen, find us a substitute target. A party without enemies is like a samosa without potato—empty, hollow, and unsatisfying.”
And so the hunt begins.
Sir, if I may make a humble suggestion, I would ask you to pick up a copy of Gulliver’s Travels. In Lilliput, the Big-Endians hated the Small-Endians. And all because one broke an egg at the big end, while the other insisted on breaking it at the small end. Surely, with some imagination, we can come up with something equally silly and equally divisive.
Consider this: the vada-sambar divide. On one side, those who dunk their vadas till they drown. On the other, those who insist on only dipping politely. Campaign slogans could be written: “One Nation, One Dunk!” or “Preserve the Dip—Defend Tradition!”
Or how about sari politics? A nationwide movement could erupt: women who drape the pallu over the right shoulder versus those who swear by the left. Imagine TV debates by Doorknob on national TV: “A right-pallu India is the only true India!”
If all else fails, we could manufacture fresh enmities:
Tea drinkers versus coffee drinkers.
People who put ketchup on pizza versus those who cry “sacrilege!”
Citizens who say “vanilla ice cream” versus those who prefer “pista.”
The possibilities are endless.
After all, without an enemy, what will they do with all those shouting speeches, those nightly TV debates, and those rallies where venom flows freer than tea at a wedding?
So, let us not worry. We’ll keep inventing new enemies for you—because without them, how would you last in your seat?bobsbanter@gmail.com