When videos surfaced showing groups of men harassing women in Bihar’s Samastipur and Jamui, the words that police are “checking the authenticity of the video” caught my attention. Immediately, I imagined a police jeep racing through the streets.
“To the crime scene, sir?” asked the driver.
“Certainly not! To the fellow who took the video!”
Soon, a bewildered man stood before an inspector. “Do you have a licence to take videos?”
“Sir, I saw a girl being assaulted.”
“I asked about your qualifications, not your hobbies.”
“I used my phone.”
“What brand?”
The man told him.
“And how old?”
“Three years.”
“Three years! Constable, we have an ageing witness.”
“But sir, the men’s faces are visible.”
“So are actors’ faces in films. Should we arrest everybody who plays a villain?”
The constable laughed. The inspector smiled at his own forensic brilliance.
“Show me your hand.”
The man stretched it out.
“Hold it steady.”
“I’m nervous, sir.”
“Aha! You cannot hold your hand steady, yet you expect us to believe your video? Constable, write: evidence suffering from nervous disorder.”
“Sir, please look at what they are doing to the girl.”
“First we must establish what you were doing to the phone.”
“I pressed record.”
“With which finger?”
“My thumb.”
“Left or right?”
“Right.”
“Political angle!” whispered the constable.
“Don’t rush,” said the inspector. “We are professionals.”
He studied the man suspiciously.
“Why were you not taking part?”
“In what, sir?”
“The assault. Everybody appears involved except you. Don’t you believe in team spirit?”
“I thought it was wrong.”
“Who authorised you to think?”
The man stared.
“How is it that you did not molest the girl?” continued the inspector. “Are you a foreigner?”
“No, sir!”
“Then explain this unusual behaviour.”
“I wanted to help her.”
“By giving our district a bad name? Very helpful!”
By now, the constable had filled six pages. Never before had an investigation progressed so rapidly without going anywhere near the crime.
Outside, a reporter waited. “Have you identified the attackers?”
“We have identified the phone model.”
“And the victim?”
“We have located the purchase receipt.”
“Any arrests?”
“The memory card is in custody.”
Soon, the inspector’s methods were adopted nationwide. Within a month, crime figures had fallen so dramatically that the inspector was invited to explain his success.
“We began by checking videos,” he said modestly. “Yesterday, we questioned a scream.”
“A scream?”
“Yes. No birth certificate, no permanent address, no proof it belonged to the person screaming. We dismissed it.”
The audience applauded. “What about the criminals?” asked a journalist.
“They have been very cooperative. Several have personally complained about unauthorised filming.”
“Any message for the public?”
“Yes. Before recording a crime, obtain written consent from everyone involved.”
The inspector’s phone rang.
“Sir, somebody has stolen your car!”
“Catch him!” he shouted.
“First, sir, we must check the authenticity of the video.”
“You idiot!” the inspector shouted, “that is only for criminals..!”