World leaders, ladies and gentlemen, has officially stopped sleeping.
Not because of climate change or inflation, but because sleep has become geopolitically unsafe. Ever since one Latin American leader was escorted from his bed to New York faster than a room service order, world leaders have begun to view bedrooms as dangerous zones.
Sleep has been postponed until further notice.
Many leaders, taking a practical approach, have shifted their sleeping arrangements to the roof. Why complicate matters, they reason, by making soldiers walk through corridors and staircases when a rope can be lowered and the leader can be airlifted directly. Some have even painted helpful arrows on the terrace. Others have left the lights on so helicopters do not miss them. Cooperation, after all, is the cornerstone of diplomacy.
Those still sleeping indoors are doing so fully dressed. Suits. Ties. Shoes. Some even wear their ceremonial jackets to bed. You never know when history will demand a photograph at an ungodly hour.
Married leaders have issued firm instructions at home. No casual nightwear. Wives must sleep as though attending an official function. Intimacy and romance have been postponed in the interest of national security.
In fact, many wives have embraced the situation with remarkable foresight. Shopping lists have already been slipped into their husbands’ pockets. ‘In case you land in New York, please pick these up from the local Salvation Army, Goodwill store.’
Outside bedroom doors and rooftop staircases, polite notices have appeared. ‘Welcome soldiers. Tea or coffee before departure.’ One thoughtful leader has even added biscuits.
In North Korea and Iran, signs have been pasted on doors saying, ‘we actually do not have the bomb.’
In India, the signage is more philosophical. A board outside one prominent residence reads, ‘there is nothing of value here. It was all fake news.’
Europe is pretending to be calm. It is not. Every helicopter sound triggers emergency meetings. Leaders sleep lightly, like anxious cats, alert to every noise.
Africa has responded with strategic wisdom. Many leaders have stopped sleeping with one wife, in one place. Bedrooms rotate. Houses rotate. Sometimes countries rotate. You cannot be lifted from bed if nobody knows which wife’s bed you are in.
India, as always, brings innovation. One opposition leader keeps a copy of the Constitution permanently in his pocket. ‘If our leader is taken, I might as well be sworn in immediately.’ He reasons.
The irony is delicious. For decades, citizens lost sleep worrying about their leaders. Now leaders are losing sleep worrying about a knock on the door, or worse, a rope from the sky.
So, if you see a world leader with dark circles or who’s forgotten how to hug, do not ask if they are tired. Ask whether they slept on the roof, whether the sign outside their bedroom was written in correct English, or whether they are or whether they are listening to Walt Disney audio tapes so that they can pronounce ‘Donald’ correctly…!