Renowned scientist says well-intentioned concern may unintentionally reactivate grief, heighten health anxiety and intensify physical symptoms in emotionally vulnerable individuals
Renowned scientist Dr Ajai Kumar Sonkar, has highlighted an often-overlooked aspect of human psychology: repeatedly asking someone about their health, although motivated by genuine concern, may sometimes renew their emotional distress instead of helping them recover.
Dr Sonkar shared his personal experience of profound grief following the sudden demise of his beloved dog. He revealed that the loss left him extremely sad and anxious, with his heart beginning to pound whenever he remembered his companion. He also began losing interest in activities that had previously brought him happiness.
“During that difficult period, I shared my emotional condition with some friends. Their concern was genuine, but they began asking me frequently, ‘How is your health now?’ ‘I hope you are keeping well.’ ‘I am worried about your health.’ I noticed that these repeated questions often brought my attention back to my suffering. It felt as though the sadness I was gradually trying to move beyond was being renewed again and again,” Dr Sonkar said.
The scientist observed that this experience prompted him to reflect on how human communication can influence the brain’s emotional state and, through it, physical well-being.
How the brain reconnects with emotional pain?
According to Dr Sonkar, the human brain continuously connects present experiences with memories, emotions and perceived threats. When a person experiences grief, anxiety or prolonged stress, reminders of the painful period may reactivate the associated emotional response.
“The brain does not merely store memories as information. Remembering an emotionally significant experience can also bring back some of the feelings and bodily sensations associated with it. When somebody repeatedly asks about our health, we may begin thinking again about the period when we felt unwell, even if our attention had started shifting towards normal life,” Dr Sonkar explained.
He noted that brain regions such as the amygdala, hippocampus and prefrontal cortex contribute to emotional processing, memory and the regulation of feelings. A health-related question may direct attention towards previous symptoms, worries or memories of suffering, particularly in someone who is already emotionally vulnerable.
Dr Sonkar emphasised that the question itself does not necessarily cause illness. Rather, its psychological effect depends on the person’s emotional condition, interpretation of the question and sensitivity to repeated reminders.
Why thinking about health can make someone feel worse?
Dr Sonkar further observed that excessive attention to bodily sensations may intensify anxiety in some individuals.
“When we repeatedly think about whether we are healthy, we may start monitoring our heartbeat, breathing, muscular tension or other bodily sensations. A normal sensation may suddenly appear unusual because our attention is focused on it. If we then become worried about that sensation, anxiety may increase further,” he said.
He explained that this process is associated with interoception, the brain’s perception of internal bodily states. In people prone to health anxiety, increased monitoring of physical sensations may contribute to a cycle in which worry leads to greater bodily vigilance, which in turn generates more worry.
The scientist added that anxiety can activate the autonomic nervous system, producing genuine physical responses such as a pounding heart, sweating, trembling, muscular tension and digestive discomfort. Stress-related changes can also affect sleep, concentration and appetite.
“Physical symptoms experienced during anxiety are not imaginary. They are real experiences involving the brain and body. However, we must also remember that physical illnesses can themselves produce anxiety. Therefore, we should never assume that every symptom is psychological or discourage someone from seeking medical attention when necessary,” Dr Sonkar clarified.
Can repeated concern unintentionally reinforce distress?
Dr Sonkar suggested that repeated health enquiries can sometimes keep a person’s attention fixed on suffering that they are attempting to overcome.
“If somebody is trying to recover emotionally, repeatedly reminding them of their health problems may unintentionally return their thoughts to the same distressing subject. Instead of allowing the mind to engage with daily activities, meaningful relationships and positive experiences, we may repeatedly direct it towards illness and anxiety,” he observed.
He explained that repeated reassurance can also become part of an anxiety cycle in certain individuals. A person may feel worried, seek reassurance, experience temporary relief and then begin worrying again. Under these circumstances, repeatedly discussing symptoms may fail to provide lasting comfort.
However, Dr Sonkar cautioned against interpreting this observation as a reason to stop expressing concern. Supportive conversations, empathy and companionship can be valuable, especially during grief and emotional hardship.
“The important point is not that we should stop asking about people’s well-being. It is that we should understand when our way of expressing concern is helping someone and when it may be unintentionally keeping their distress alive,” he said.
What should we say instead?
The Padma Shri scientist suggested that, rather than repeatedly asking someone whether they have recovered, friends and relatives could offer warmth, companionship and practical assistance without continually bringing attention back to illness.
“Instead of asking the same person again and again, ‘How is your health now?’, we can say, ‘I am thinking of you. If you need anything or feel like talking, I am here.’ We can invite them for a walk, share a pleasant conversation or help them return to activities they enjoy,” Dr Sonkar said.
He added that people experiencing grief may sometimes benefit from the opportunity to talk about their loss, while at other times they may prefer to discuss ordinary subjects and enjoy moments of distraction. Their preferences should guide the nature of support.
Dr Sonkar also stressed that direct health questions remain important when someone has concerning symptoms, needs medical assistance or may be at risk. Sensitivity should complement appropriate medical care, not replace it.
Calmness, happiness and the science of well-being
Dr Sonkar further observed that mental and physical health are closely interconnected, although neither can be reduced entirely to the other.
“When we feel emotionally safe, engage in meaningful activities and experience moments of calmness, our body may benefit from reduced stress and improved sleep and daily functioning. But happiness alone cannot guarantee good health, just as sadness does not automatically make someone physically ill,” he explained.
He noted that grief is a natural response to the loss of a loved companion and that recovery does not require a person to suppress memories or pretend to be happy. Rather, emotional recovery often involves gradually adapting to the loss while reconnecting with life.
Reflecting on his own experience, Dr Sonkar said that he had become more conscious of how easily well-intentioned words could direct a person’s attention back towards emotional suffering.
“My experience made me realise that concern should not become a repeated reminder of someone’s pain. Sometimes, people need someone who will listen. Sometimes, they need practical help. And sometimes, they simply need the freedom to enjoy an ordinary conversation without being reminded of their distress,” he said.
The message: Let concern become comfort
Dr Sonkar concluded that caring for another person requires more than repeatedly enquiring about their condition. It requires understanding their emotional needs, respecting their preferences and offering support that helps them feel safe rather than constantly conscious of their difficulties.
“True concern is not measured by how frequently we ask someone whether they are well. It is measured by whether our presence helps them feel supported, understood and able to move forward. We should be careful that our words, although spoken with affection, do not unintentionally renew the very sadness or anxiety we want them to overcome,” the Padma Shri scientist said.
He emphasised that the science of the brain–body connection offers an important lesson for everyday human relationships: compassionate communication should acknowledge suffering without making suffering the centre of every interaction.
As Dr Sonkar’s observation suggests, sometimes the most meaningful expression of concern is not another question about illness, but a reassuring presence that allows a person to feel connected to life again.